Happy 21st Birthday, Diane

Dear Diane,

It is with mixed emotions that I write this to you in honor of your 21st birthday. I don't know whether to be happy, sad, or upset at you. By this time I wanted you and Charlie and me to be one happy family again. That is why I sent you that late Christmas card in January 2008. I wanted you to search for the truth on the matter - something that Robert Clipper, Elaine Schmidt, and Tena Phillips has kept from you and Charlie all of these years.

But the truth was being kept from you then, and it's being kept from you now. Your mother has always kept me from telling you my side of the story; and when the Richs gave your mother permission to keep in contact with you, she reinforced the allegation that I had molested you.

But if you will just read what I have written in the previous blogs, you will see that I am consistent in telling you the same thing that I've always told you. I have never at any time molested you or any other child for that matter. Karissa has done an Intellus background check on me, and there was never anyone with my name, race, or age born in Geneva, Illinois who molested any child. I challenge you to look at the Dru Sjodin National Sex Offender Public Website and see for yourself if I have ever been charged with molesting any child.

I want you to know what Tena Phillips said to me when I identified myself as your father. "You are the father of Diane and Charlie Littlejohn? Do you know that your ex-wife told me that we wouldn't be able to find you because you were convicted of molesting your daughter and she didn't know where you were at?"

I know this goes to the heart of everything your mother and the Richs have told you about me; but I am here to say that none of it was ever true. If it was, you would have never asked me saying "come upstairs to my bedroom and play with Charlie and me." Do you know that if I had not informed your mother of what you said, she would have had a field day with me and would have further alleged that something was going on behind her back.

Your mother never liked my talking to you and Charlie alone. Do you remember the day in April 1996 when I was going to stay until about 5:00 PM? There was an argument that broke out between your Grandpa Bracknell, your mother, and me. They asked if I was still getting my Income Tax return taken from me to help pay for the foreclosure on the trailer where we lived in Sandwich, IL, and I thought for a bit, and since the divorce was final, I said to your mother, "I don't think that is any of your business."

That, Diane, is what started the war between your maternal grandparents, your mother, and me. It got Grandma Bracknell so upset, that it caused your mother to limit our visitations to Christmas and birthdays. That was why I couldn't come up to see you more often. It was not because I didn't love you and Charlie enough, but rather it was because your mother put the restrictions upon how many times I could visit you. That is why I came to you and told you that I had to leave earlier than I wanted to. I also told you that there would be things that some people would say against me, and I encouraged you not to believe everything they said.

And do you remember what I always said when I left? I asked you "where am I when I am not with you?" You first answered "In Tennessee?" I answered "that's right; but where else am I when I am not with you?" You then pointed to your heart and said "right here in my heart;" and I said "that's right, Diane. I am always here in your heart, as you and Charlie are in my heart."

It reminds me of the song My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion, sung at the closing credits of Titanic

Every night in my dreams

I see you, I feel you

That is how I know you go on

Far across the distance

And spaces between us

You have come to show you go on

Near, far, wherever you are

I believe that the heart does go on

Once more you open the door

And you're here in my heart

And my heart will go on and on

Love can touch us one time

And last for a lifetime

And never let go till we're gone

Love was when I loved you

One true time I hold to

In my life we'll always go on

Near, far, wherever you are

I believe that the heart does go on

Once more you open the door

And you're here in my heart

And my heart will go on and on

You're here, there's nothing I fear

And I know that my heart will go on

We'll stay forever this way

You are safe in my heart

And my heart will go on and on

Even though this is a love song, I love you with the proper love that a father has for his children. Why would I be so sick as to molest either you or Charlie - or any child for that matter? I have worried and worried myself sick over you and Charlie. When I was still with Carol, she always asked me why I thought more of you than I did Charlie, and I would say that Charlie would do well, and I didn't have to worry about him as much as I did you.

Little did I know just how true that was until Karissa and I went to see Charlie two days after his birthday. I did not recognize him, although I did see him behind us and thought nothing of it. When Karissa saw Charlie standing near us, she told me to look behind, and there he was. Both Karissa and I asked if he was Charlie, and he said yes. Words could not express how much joy I felt from seeing Charlie. Karissa was in tears, because she was witnessing that Charlie wanted to tell me as much as he could about everything.

He told me that he was going to West Kentucky Technical and Community College to begin his studies in Aviation and to take his general education studies. He said that he had looked into Western Kentucky University (where I graduated from), but he said that they did not have any studies in Aviation there (although there is an airport in Bowling Green along the Scottsville Road), so that's why he's going to Eastern Kentucky University in Richmond, KY in 2010.

Then he surprised me about something. He said he's going to minor in Music! You see, Diane, your brother remembers how I would play the guitar for both of you. I remember how you held a piece of paper up so I could sing the words to one of the John Denver songs I loved to sing - I believe it was Back Home Again. He remembers the times when I sang, and you both would listen intently to my singing.

In the spring of 2006, I sang my final concert with the Memphis Symphony Chorus. That night we sang the Brahms German Requiem (called Ein Deutches Requiem). It was the second time that the chorus had sung this piece of music.

Speaking of that music, we sang it once under Maestro Alan Balter, and then a few years later, he went for cancer surgery but never came out of it. I was shocked to hear that he had died. We loved him as conductor and a person. He was always accessible to the chorus members and the public as well. When I last talked to him, I told him not to go too far away from us and come back as a guest conductor.

That summer, the Maestro went into surgery, but did not survive the operation. Not long after we began rehersals for our Home for the Holidays concert, we were asked by the orchestra to participate in a memorial concert for our late friend Dr. Alan Balter, the second Maestro of the Memphis Symphony Orchestra. I would have expected the founding Maestro Dr. Vincent DeFrank to pass away before him, but Maestro Balter died, and then in May of the following year, Maestro DeFrank died.

The piece of music we performed was the final movement of the Brahms German Requiem.

Out of the pieces of music I have performed, I have done the Verdi Requiem, the Mozart Requiem, and the Brahms German Requiem twice - the Verdi and Brahms each under Maestro Balter and Maestro Lobel (our current director), and the Mozart once under our Artistic Director Dr. Lawrence Edwards (who has directed the orchestra upon two occasions), and Maestro Lobel as part of a Rolling Requiem in memory of the first year of the destruction of the Twin Towers of New York City.

Here is the poster of that concert

The words underneath the words Rolling Requiem are as follows:

Performances of Mozart’s Requiem will occur in every time zone on 9/11 at 8:46 AM, the moment of the first attack on the World Trade Center, Beginning at the International Date Line and soaring from time zone to time zone these heartfelt performances will follow the sun around the world, providing 24 hours of music, giving voice to hope and healing. Look for your local event near you.

It was a very sobering event. We all wore a sticker on our lapel or dress signifying the name of one of the victims of the 9/11/2001 attack. I still have mine.

It was always hard for me to prepare for the Home for the Holiday concerts because I could not stop thinking of you and Charlie, and how I so wanted you both to come home to me for the Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Years holidays. We performed an Andy Williams song called It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year. I could never get past the following words without crying:

There'll be parties for hosting

Marshmallows for toasting

And caroling out in the snow

There'll be scary ghost stories

And tales of the glories of

Christmases long, long ago

Do you know just how much misery I go through when I hear Christmas carols? I do this every year, and it never gets any easier.

So you tell me, Diane - should I be happy, sad, upset, angry, or what? I want to know that you want to know the truth and that you want to know me as your father; but more importantly, I want to be your Dad. Do you know that your late paternal grandfather is turning in his grave because you were not allowed to go to his funeral? Do you know who told me that? Tim Hubbard. Tim was trying to be the father that I wanted to be, and I would have rather had him be your stepfather than Ralph Holmes Doublin.

Yes, I know what that slime ball did to you and Charlie, and he will rot in hell for it! But to keep you from me because your mother said I molested you when I was working 3rd shift at Lyon Metal and did not have the motive nor opportunity to even think about molesting you is just not right nor fair. Remember what your mother did to you at the request of Ralph. Yes, you ask her. That is why you were taken from both your mother and Ralph!

You need to be in a neutral place away from both your mother and the Richs and in front of people who know me like the back of their hands. I have contacts in Franklin, LaGrange, and Bowling Green, KY - all of whom will testify to you that I have never harmed a single hair on any person who went to college at Western Kentucky University.

You can even ask Paul Cook, an elder of the Lost River Church of Christ in Bowling Green who not only knew me from having gone to church services there but also was the financial assistant to the President of the University. He could tell you that I have never gotten into any type of trouble with anyone at the university, nor has anyone complained about me from those who worshiped with me at the 12th Street church. Furthermore, Janet Metzger from Franklin, KY can vouch for my conduct, as well as Brent Hunter, who preaches for the Church of Christ in LaGrange, KY.

In fact, there was a preacher and his wife from Kearney, MO who wanted to adopt you and Charlie so that you both could be kept with a family who were members of the Church of Christ, but Tena Phillips prevented that and decided that it was better to override my wishes and convince the Richs to adopt you and Charlie.

Now I know that Charlie told me that it would have made you both have to readjust to life with the Hamiltons, but at least they would have had contact with me and would have told me what was going on with you both. You both would have been taught the truth about New Testament Christianity from the Bible, for Steve Hamilton was a preacher.

Steve was notified of you and Charlie from Janet Metzger's email. Steve told me that Tena Phillips stonewalled his efforts saying that your mother's rights were never terminated. I was there when hers and mine were terminated, so that was a lie that Tena told him. Then when he asked about six months later, he was informed that you and Charlie had been adopted by the Richs.

Did you know that Shirley Rich said in court that they had no thoughts of adopting you and Charlie? Ask your mother, for she heard it along with me. Shirley said that she saw her role as a Therapeutic Foster Parent and not one of an adoptive parent. I can get Nancy to send me the court video tapes for you to hear it for yourself.

And for that matter, your ex-parte meeting with Judge Cynthia Sanderson was not so ex-parte as you think. They even recorded the very words that both you, Charlie, and the judge said to each other. I know what went on in that meeting, and it will be one of the things that we will clear up if and when you finally decide to meet with Karissa and me.

Now, I have thrown a lot at you to digest. I wanted you to read the blogs and read them with an open mind. However, you fled to your mother because you think that I am a disgusting excuse for a father for having molested you. Who put that into your mind? I think you know already who did that. All I wanted you to do is read and understand the truth, but you don't appear to be ready to do that yet. Even Charlie told me he's not ready to discuss it yet. Charlie really has nothing to discuss with me because he didn't buckle under the pressure and claim that I molested him. He knows that I never did that to him. He believes me.

The question is, do you believe that I could have never done this to you? That is the ultimate question that needs to be cleared up before you can ever move on with your life. Since that dreadful day of March 31, 1994, I have never taught inside a classroom in a public or private school system. To this day, I still haven't taught, but I have sung with the Memphis Symphony Chorus, and I am hoping one day to be able to sing with the Chicago Symphony Chorus as well.

Music is my passion, and Charlie has a passion for music as well. You have a wonderful singing voice, Diane; and I would love to have the opportunity of having you, Charlie, and me sing in the very same chorus altogether.

But we must come to terms with the past that has been created by the powers that be. It is in your best interest and mine that we come together and that I tell you the real truth that has been withheld from you for the past 15 years. Without doing this, neither of us can move forward. Neither of us can heal together. You will be stunted emotionally and will not be able to hold a job.

And why? I can tell you - but you must make the first step and come home to Karissa and me. We will help you heal. We know people who can help deprogram you from all the lies that you have been told about me - and they can help us heal the wounds that run deep within us.

I pray to God that something deep within your heart will cause you to realize that you have been missing your dad for the past 15 years. You have been away from his love, and you have longed to give your love to your dad, but you have been unable to do so because you have been kept from him by those who would tell you that he is a monster and is not worth knowing.

I disagree; for once you know the real truth, it will all fall into place; and like I told you on the day I said goodby to you on December 12, 2001 - exactly one year after the death of your paternal grandmother Caroline Pauline Littlejohn -

You will not need to ask whether or not what I say is the truth - you will know in your heart that it is the real truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth

SO HELP ME GOD!

I want you to have a very happy 21st birthday, for it is a milestone that brings you into the first few years of the adulthood of your 20's. You don't know everything as yet. I didn't even know everything and have all the answers. You may have some freedoms, but you also have responsibilities which mean that you hold your tongue when you are in the presence of a supervisor and respect him or her. They have the power to retain you as an employee or fire you. You have to bite your tongue and learn to say "yes sir" or "yes ma'am." Didn't the Richs teach you this? Have you forgotten how to say that? You even used to say that to me when I visited you with Shirley at the Easter Seals Center in Paducah.

I do hope that you will enjoy your birthday. Please think about coming home to Karissa and me. You won't regret it, because it will be the start of the long healing process needed to go on in this life and in the next. I love you very much, Diane. Despite everything that has gone wrong, I am proud of the positive accomplishments you've made.

Happy Birthday, my daughter!

Dad